What do those three things have in common? Oh boy, am I about to tell you… (Hint: it’s not as kinky as you’re thinking, you perverts!)
Flashback to the Wednesday night right after Johanna and I finished backpacking to Machu Picchu. I’m physically exhausted; we’d traveled over a good 60 miles of mountain road in five days, visited the world famous lost city, and returned to Cusco as two sniffling, pathetic lumps of sickness. As a sensible, boring human being, I chose to spend a quiet night in bed while Johanna and her free-flowing mucus hit up the bars in town.
So I’m alone in an eight person dorm, it’s midnight, I just finished rereading Perks of Being a Wallflower. Around 10 a bartender had burst into the room and poured shots down my throat as I weakly protested, “noooooo I’m siiiiccckkksjfjdoqpxjfjrwk” *cough cough cough*, but other than that, I’m feeling quite satisfied with my chill night and fall asleep.
Now, keep in mind that I’m sleeping in an eight person dorm. There are seven other people in this room with me… Or are there? Around 3 AM, I’m woken up to the sounds of-you guessed it-very vigorous sex. It’s pitch black but it’s obviously happening in the top bunk directly across from me. What’s worse, the girl is also sick (a bug went around the traveler community during this time), so her sensual moans are interrupted by violent hacking noises. It’s not pleasant by any means.
All of a sudden, I hear a gentle whoooosh followed by fizzing sounds and screams. What the hell?? The girl starts crying and asking for a light, so as I turn on the flashlight on my phone, she climbs out of the top bunk butt naked and tries to leave the room without a shred of clothing on her body. Of course, girl code requires you to help any drunk girls who need it, so I stopped her and gave her my favorite scarf to cover up and she left.
I never saw that scarf again. However, I did hear the full story: apparently the two boys on the top bunks were best friends traveling together from England. Boy #1 was talking to this girl all night, but Boy #2 ended up sleeping with her. When Boy #1 was awakened by the sounds of their sex, he realized what was happening and got so angry that he shook up a can of Sprite, popped it open, and threw it into their bunk.
Boys are so dumb. Later that night, Boy #1 climbed down from his bunk, still drunk, and tried to make his way to the bathroom but mistakenly peed on the guy in the bunk directly below his. I was awake for that too.
So, yeah, I told Johanna all she had missed in our wild dorm room as she was partying that night, and vowed never to try and have a quiet night in South America again.